My Healing Begins

I have been depressed and angry inside for so long that I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I started going to counseling a few monthes ago and it is helping. I have made so many bad decisions over the past couple of years that I normally wouldn't make. I'm starting to reliaze that I am human and I will make mistakes which is fine as laong as you learn from those mistakes so you don't repeat it. In counseling I am also learning that I have kept running from my troubled past instead of coping with it. Now I'm facing it head on and it hurts like hell but I need and want to do this so I don't end up like my mother in the sence of never dealing with my troubles and letting them take control. I want to beat this and I will beat this but to do it I need to face it all and quit holding back my feelings. I know I will never forget but I can work to forgive my parents and myself and I feel to do that I need to post what is is going on in my head and I will share it all with you. I don't want sympathy I just need to get this stuff out so I can heal and be a better person especially to my family.

In this post as well as future posts I will talk about my childhood the good and the bad. I'm going to try not to hold back and keep it neutral I will let out all that I feel so that the healing can begin. Well here goes, I will have to do this as the memories come bear with me.

One of the first things I remember is my mom telling me that my grandmother (her mom), wanted her to abort me. My dad and her told her no way, then again my grandmother also wanted to abort my mother. No wonder my mom felt so unloved. Needless to say I was born.

(Pics of me as a baby)

I had a fairly decent childhood, but a lot of chaos also. I played softball briefly and I bowled every Saturday for approx. 8 years. I was also a Girl Scout. Behind closed doors though I was listening to fighting between my parents constantly. My mom would accuse my dad of messing around on her, get on him for his drinking and so on. Dad would get on mom for spending way to much money (I ended up with this habit, which I am learning is a learned behavior I need to fix), for accusing him of stuff he wasn't doing, you name it I probably heasrd it. As I have gotten older I'm figuring out that my mom did what she accused him of. She messed around on him and he finally did mess around on her because he was accused of it for so long. Both of them were alcoholics and my mom was dependent on medicine which she did get addicted too. Eventually they did divorce and my true hell began. My mom had this thing about her that she had to get revenge on him for leaving her. If she got angry at dad for some reason she would take it out on me.

In my mom's world she was never wrong and nothing was ever her fault. She was the one that was wronged or hurt by other's. Now granted she grew up in a broken home also and she wasn't wanted by her own mother. She was abused physically, emotionally and mentally and this would have lead to the behavior she later exhibited but isn't an excuse for her to mentally and emotionally (One incident of physical abuse also) abuse me.

My mom would drag me out in the middle of night to look in bars for my dad at times having me look through the windows. If she seen him out she would chase after him cussing him out. She would accuse me of being him all the time if I didn't do something she agreed with. I was a no good piece of shit just like him (especially if I stood up to her). Some days I would go to school exhausted listening to them argue over stupid stuff or they would call my aunt and uncle to come pick me up to spend the night with them because of the arguing. There was never calm communication between them just fighting.

I remember one time I was dropped off by my aunt from bowling and my half sister Tanya met me outside and took me across the alley to a friend's house because mom & dad were physically fighting. My sister told me that they almost hit my niece and her. I was so scared and I didn't know what to think. When dad finally left for the day mom had to be taken to the hospital because he busted her eardrum. Needless to say dad was drunk as hell. It's no wonder I don't drink and that I hate alcohol for the most part. I have seen what it can do to a family. The older I got the my mom would have me fix her drinks for her. Now don't me wrong I will have an occasional drink but I never even been buzzed. I have seen my dad try to hit my mom while drunk on more than one occasion, have seen him try to hit a cop while drunk, heard and seen him stumble into the house, fall into the bathtub, lose his dentures in the toilet, ect... , I have seen my mom stumble, listened to the slurred speech, start fights, and had 3 relatives die on New Year's day several years ago because of alcohol. I just can't stand it.

Well that's all I can handle right now so I am going to end here. Thanks to all of you for listening and I will get positive posts done also.